During the holidays, we’re bombarded with the playing of movies, Tv shows, and advertisements that depict families gathering together for big meals and exchanging presents by the Christmas tree. These holiday moments are wonderful and deserve all of the celebration; however, these examples are more fiction than fact for many divorced or separated people. For example, nearly half of North Carolina marriages will end in divorce. So, what’s the best plan for divorced families to navigate the holidays?
In this in-depth holiday survival guide, we’ve prepared tips and tidbits to help single or divorced parents enjoy the season with their children. Ditch the headache and use these strategies for successful co-parenting that keeps your kids wrapped up in the holiday magic, while keeping you sane.
Plan Ahead and Set Expectations Early
The holidays go more smoothly when everyone knows the plan. Start by having an open conversation with your co-parent about how to divide holiday time in a way that works best for your family. If you’re struggling to figure out how to best divide the time, here are several options to consider:
- Alternate Holidays: One parent has the children for Thanksgiving, while the other has them for Christmas, and then alternate next year.
- Split the Day: Divide a single holiday between both parents, so the children can spend part of the day with each parent. For example, they might spend Christmas morning with one parent and the evening with the other.
- Create Separate Celebrations: If spending the actual holiday together isn’t feasible, consider celebrating on different days. A holiday doesn’t need to be celebrated on the exact date to be special.
- Spend the Holiday Together: In some cases, divorced parents who have a positive co-parenting relationship choose to celebrate together for their children’s sake. Just remember to set the proper boundaries so everyone feels comfortable!
After determining the holiday schedule, you can begin to make any necessary travel plans for you and the children. The earlier you plan ahead, the easier and smoother the process will be for making travel arrangements.
It’s important to talk to your children about the holiday plans in a way they can understand. This will help them feel secure and prepared for changes or any new traditions. When children have a sense of structure and clarity, they’re more likely to enjoy each celebration without stress or disappointment.
Create New Traditions
While certain holiday traditions may be off the table after divorce, there’s room for exciting new ones! Creating your own special traditions can make the season feel fresh and memorable. Think about activities you and your children enjoy: a “cookie decorating marathon,” a special movie night, or a fun crafting session to make their own holiday ornaments.
Children will look forward to these new traditions, and you’ll be able to enjoy the season without constantly comparing it to past holidays. New routines and customs bring a sense of renewal and help set a positive tone for the years to come.
Make Sure to Coordinate Gifts
Gift-giving can get tricky with your co-parent, especially if you both want to surprise the kids. To avoid duplicate gifts and ensure everyone’s holiday is special, make sure to coordinate Christmas lists and who’s getting what. A quick conversation about gift responsibility and budget can go a long way toward keeping things fair and balanced.
Encourage your children’s excitement for giving by helping them choose or create a gift for their other parent. This gesture not only teaches them about the joy of giving but also reinforces that they don’t have to “choose” between parents. If they’re young, you might help them make a simple homemade gift or pick out something affordable they know the other parent will love. Older children might appreciate being taken on a small shopping trip, where they can select something on their own.
Focus on Quality Time, Not Just the Calendar
When sharing time with your children, prioritize quality over quantity. Your time together doesn’t have to happen on the “main” holiday date to be meaningful. Feel empowered to schedule a celebration day that works best for you and your kids, even if that means celebrating a few days early or late.
It’s not always the exact date but the love, laughter, and special moments that matter most to kids. When you focus on making these moments memorable, you’re giving your children the best gift of all—your undivided attention and presence.
Prepare for Emotional Ups and Downs
Even after all your hard work and preparations, the holidays can still bring a whirlwind of emotions. There may be moments of sadness, especially if this is your first holiday season as a single parent. Acknowledge those feelings without judgment, and help your kids do the same. Let them know it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions, from excitement to sadness.
If you or your children need extra support, consider planning a few moments of quiet reflection or connecting with a counselor. Remember, there is no such thing as a “perfect holiday.” When you’re present and showing your children every ounce of love, they’re destined to be meaningful.
Questions You Might Be Asking…
Whether this is your first holiday season being divorced or you’ve been separated for a decade, things can get complicated. Explore answers to common questions that parents in your shoes often ask. And if you have questions about court orders or need legal guidance, contact a family law attorney today.
For the Sake of the Kids, Should I Try to Celebrate the Holidays with My Ex?
It can work for some families, but only if the divorce is relatively amicable. If you and your ex can get along and have low-conflict co-parenting, celebrating together might be a positive experience for the children. However, if there’s a lot of tension between you, trying to celebrate as a unit can backfire.
Pretending everything is fine when there’s underlying issues only confuses your children or, worse, exposes them to conflict. If your relationship with your ex remains strained, it’s best to spend the holidays separately and focus on making each celebration special in your own home.
How Should I Handle Extended Family During the Holidays?
Extended family members, especially grandparents, may be eager to spend time with your children. It’s important to communicate openly with them about the situation and remind them that your children are navigating two family dynamics.
If your child wants to spend time with one set of grandparents because they don’t get to see them often, don’t let hurt feelings come between the joy of the season. It’s NOT a competition about which side of the family loves the child more—it’s about who can make the most meaningful sacrifice for the child’s well-being. Encourage flexibility and understanding, so everyone can enjoy the holiday without pressure or guilt.
Should I Ask the Kids Who They Want to Spend the Holidays With?
For younger children, it’s usually best to make the decisions yourself. According to experienced psychiatrist, Alan Ravitz, MD, MS, young kids likely don’t have the emotional tools or maturity to understand the complexities of dividing holiday time between parents. For children under 12, it’s typically easier for them if the decisions are made by the adults in their lives.
However, for teenagers, asking them about their preferences can be a good idea. By this age, they’re better equipped to understand the situation and may appreciate having a say in how the holidays are spent. Keep in mind that, even for teens, it’s still essential to maintain a sense of structure and consistency. Your goal should be to keep things balanced and prevent them from feeling pressured to choose between parents.
If Your Ex Does Not Follow the Holiday Schedule
Co-parenting is often a challenge, especially when the holiday schedule isn’t being followed. If you’re facing issues with your ex regarding custody or visitation, it’s crucial to understand your legal options.
At New Direction Family Law, we are here to help you protect your rights and ensure your children’s well-being. Serving clients in Wake, Durham, Johnston, and surrounding counties, our experienced team is ready to assist you. Call us today at 919-719-3470 for the support you need.
